Dropping the F-Bomb Prayer
Dropping the F-Bomb Prayer
How many of us have become so desperate to see God move in our lives that our desperation became white hot angst and anger?
How many of us have groaned in heart broken agony as we watched “The Big Nothing” happen time and time again after we have prayed and believed with everything that we had in us?
How many of us started to doubt everything because nothing we prayed for or about was working?
How many of us have screamed “F-you!” at the ceiling while hot, blistering tears streamed down our faces, as we begged God to go away and just leave us alone?
How many of us fell to our knees and told God that we were sorry for cussing Him out, but still felt absolutely crushed and forsaken?
How many of us got back up, stood back up and still believed even though the voices screeching in our heads told us to just lay down and die?
We just wanted God’s attention, even though we might get His Judgment for our f-bomb prayers, at least then we’d know that He was listening. That would give us some semblance of confidence in our faith. Anything is better than the dial-tone that we’ve experienced so many times it has become exhausting.
There seems to always be a lingering feeling of shame after we prayed our desperation prayers. We said things in anger that we should regret, but we really don’t. We just want something to work.
We’re suppose to love God and yet we just cursed at Him and told Him in sorrowful desperation to leave us alone. We feel like Peter warming our hands by the fire, cursing God and not wanting to have anything to do with Him.
We’re hurt, we’re ashamed, we’re broken and we’re hopeless. Feeling nothing except the lonely darkness; the cold, black void of telling God to leave us alone. We just couldn’t take it anymore. We crawl and stagger to our feet,trying to go on with our lives barely being able to breathe.
We sit all alone in our small little boats drifting about aimlessly in the darkness, on dark waters with nothing but dark thoughts and dark beaten down souls.
We look up and want see a warm flickering fire on the beach. We want to squint our eyes and strain to see who the figure is standing in the glow of the firelight.
Our hearts long to leap within us and say “It’s Him!!!” We want to see Him motioning with open hands for us to come ashore.We want to paddle, we want to swim, we want to run to Him and fall to our knees at His feet.
We would expect harsh words of reprimand, but what we really want is to hear soft words of welcome and look up to see love in His eyes. We want Him to share the food cooking on the fire with us and hear kind words of forgiveness. We want to feel loved. We want Him to smile and welcome us home. We want to feel warm and safe and beautiful.
We want to know that He loves us. We want to hear Him say that everything is going to be okay. We want to hear Him say it. We are bloodied, we are bruised and we are broken. We are tired and we are afraid.
“The answers escape me
The future unclear
It is truly exhausting
Fighting the fear
With chaos around me
With doubts in my head
I pray in the darkness
Fighting the dread
When all seems lost
When my eyes fill with tears
Dreams crushed and broken
Counting all the lost years
I remember that feeling
From so long ago
Life is worth living
That’s one thing I know
My soul stirs within me
My heart pounding strong
Love is my answer
Love heals my wrong
This is my story
This is my song...
All the day long...”
- Michael R. Taylor